Ignatius

+JMJ

I was formed by the Jesuits...and "ruined forever" as some like to say.

True, I am a bibliophile, yet, I cannot keep all the books by my bedside. Among those in the favored spot is St. Ignatius' spiritual classic, The Spiritual Exercises.

I cannot tell you how many times I have come to a point of doubt, sadness...literally feeling at my wits end. It has always been in those times that I turn to Ignatius, and I listen as he allows Jesus to speak through his words...words about the tactics of the enemy of our hearts...words about how God works in our lives, lessons on discernment...and on detachment.

Funny, I never thought for a minute about Ignatius until I went to a Jesuit University, and as I said, got "ruined." There is something about the spirit of Ignatius that inspires the adventurer within us...because he truly accepted the great adventure which God invited him to.

A month or so ago, my Spiritual Director (a Jesuit) shared with me how Ignatius was so very in love with God, but also had a great affection and love for a lovely lady who was a courtesan. Yet, he was able to discern the two goods--marriage and celibate life--honestly. He knew God was calling him to the priesthood...and furthermore, was inspired by the lives of St. Francis and St. Dominic!

I really found much consolation in that story. Imagine if Ignatius chose instead of following God's holy will, to do his own thing. The world would be a very different place.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite passages from the Exercises...

'It is characteristic of God and his Angels, when they act upon the soul, to give true happiness and spiritual joy, and to banish all the sadness and disturbances which are caused by the enemy. But it is characteristic of the evil one to fight against such happiness and consolation by proposing fallacious reasonings, subtleties, and continual deceptions.'

Love and Celibacy

"...I sought for something to love, for I was in love with love. There was a hunger within me from a lack of inner food which is none other than Yourself my God."

~Confessions of St. Augustine

It seems what the saints were able to access is precisely that God is love, and that we are incomplete without God.

What I've realized more and more is that if God is love, and our universal call to holiness would imply growing more and more like God, than we ought to personify Love...if that is not an extraordinary call, I do not know what is.

More and more St. Francis and St. Maximilian are very present to me, as I consider what does it mean to live, and to live well. And I can say with certainty that both Francis and Maximillian would agree with Augustine...that God is the answer to our deep hunger.

As I continue to discern religious life, I find the greatest challenge to be ordering love rightly, according to the call to holiness. The most brilliant thing about our humanity is our free will--our God is a generous God, and will not force, but simply invites us to holiness. We are free to choose to accept this invitation.

I keep going back to C.S. Lewis for help, as he had a great understanding of love...affection, friendship, eros and agape, which he expounded upon in "The Four Loves," Perhaps the most important book he wrote. The challenge for those discerning a vocation to religious life or the priesthood: How does one learn to focus all one's energy and love on God, such that one is free to love all with great purity?

In a celibate vocation, there are no exclusive relationships. This, of course, does not preclude special friendships that lead to holiness. We know well of great saints such as Francis and Clare, John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila, St. Ignatius Loyola, Peter Faber and Francis Xavier...and the list goes on and on--there is actually a book entitled "Saintly Companions" regarding all of the extraordinary and holy friendships that were formed among saints from the early Church to the present.

Yet, in the celibate vocation, a detachment from people is required, in order to focus one's mind, as St. Paul says, entirely on the things of the Lord...which I interpret as God's Kingdom and the Salvation of Souls. This, truly is a great vocation...but not an easy one.

Married persons must make great sacrifices to raise and provide for their family, a celibate person must sacrifice human intimacy and family life. You cannot have both. Yet, the celibate serves as a witness to the truth that God alone completes...just as the married person serves as a witness to the self-giving love of the Trinity in a unique way.

I suppose I didn't really intend to pontificate on a vocation I do not fully understand, but I do know, from my own experience, that celibacy is a very challenging aspect of a religious vocation. Perhaps others don't find it as much a struggle. And, I am told that even those in religious life and the priesthood are not exempt from temptation or desire. Yet, as in any state of life...it is about making a commitment.

No vocation is easy...but your vocation is your path to holiness...discern well!

When I am His...

+JMJ

A friend called me yesterday, who I hadn't heard from since May...we were catching up, and of course came to share a bit about discernment. I am thouroughly convicted that I have boiled down the messy gumbo that is my life and figured out what is sticking to the bottom of the pot: once again...it is Head vs. Heart.

Probably many of us have had the priveledge of attending university and acheiving some level of higher education. Sometimes I think about my years of study, and consider it more as a burden than the gift it truly was. As I continue to grow, I continue to learn and read, often from my favorite theolgians, and of course incorporating some new friends.

What I have discovered about Head vs. Heart? I can intelectually understand my life, my vocation, my discernment...but that bridge between head and heart--internalizing the gift of vocation and allowing oneself to fall in love with that gift--is a rather trecherous bridge to learn to build.

I remeber that during the Last Supper Discourse Jesus said, "You will weep and mourn, but the world will rejoice. You will have sorrow, but your sorrow will turn into joy."

This is the key. So many holy people tell me that often, a person looses perseverence when the pleasant emotions and consolation subside. We forget that even during the dark night, during the desolation, God is ever with us. He doesn't leave, and that is where Faith takes charge.

How can I let my heart internalize what I know in my head? I suppose it requires much patience, as I have said here before. No matter where God is calling you, it will require a sacrifice. To say yes to one thing means to say no to another. We simply cannot have it all...until, of course, we reach our Eternal Goal!

As I walk about these lonely days, often I hear in my mind:

"The King of Love my Shepherd is, whose goodness fails me never,
I not shall want when I am His, and He is mine forever."

Perhaps we loose heart because we think we are not "His" until we are in Heaven. But the thing is, our Baptismal Gift is that we ARE HIS. Right now, in this moment, I totally belong to God...and in His gift of self, as I exisit in this moment, I posses the King of Love within my very being...

"What shall I ever return to the Lord for all that has been given unto me?"

James the Greater

+JMJ

Those who are sowing in tears
will sing when they reap.

They go out, they go out, full of tears,
carrying seed for the sowing:
they come back, they come back, full of song,
carrying their sheaves.

~ From Psalm 126

+++

Today we remember St. James...apostle, martyr, brother of John. May we always remember that even when we sow in tears...if we are faithful, we shall reap in joy!

With Francis and Birds

+JMJ

So tired all day...all I could look forward to was Mass. Instead of the meeting I was scheduled for, I hit the humble basement of Holy Name Cathedral for the Sacred Mysteries. It was truly a mystical experience, and once again God delighted me beyond my own feeble expectations.

As I fingered my Rosary beads on the train ride home, I felt the urge to eat dinner at my favorite hippie joint in Rogers Park, Heartland Cafe. Now, it was a bit of a debate. For the past few months, I've tended to lean on the side of not spending money. But for some reason, Heartland just seemed like the natural place to go.

The hostess asked if I'd prefer to sit inside or out--I asked if they'd serve me beer outside (last summer a friend and I who frequented Heartland had a sorrowful discovery when while seated outside that we could not order our usual 624 (312 x 2)); thankfully, they DO serve drinks outside once again!

Ever since Mass, I was feeling profoundly peaceful, and was glad to just sit outside. My waitress was also very peaceful...and after I ordered my Carlsberg I began to pray Evening Prayer. It was so beautiful to be there, and to pray there, in the midst of mild chaos. When Jamie came with my beer, I smiled and finished my prayer. As I looked around I noticed a curious pair of gentlemen to my left, and I could sense they were intrigued by me.

Maybe they found my dress a little funny. I have a habit of dressing like a hippie, and today was wearing an ankle length earth-tone skirt on with sequins, a tunic-looking brown shirt, my hippie bag, Birkenstocks and curls up in a clip...probably set me out of the crowd a little...although most folks around Heartland do have the hippie look.

Well...I joyfully pulled out Bonaventure's homily on the Feast of St. Francis. I was just so delighted to be reading about Francis, and humility. I suppose this may sound odd, but I was just so happy, just being there and being me.

Soon, dinner came, complete with cornbread. Suddenly, I had a dinner guest! A little wren came and perched on the cornbread dish, and daintily nibbled a bit...then flew away.

How perfect! The two gentlemen to my left were smiling, and one said, "Well, the bird didn't even ask." I said, "She must have known I wouldn't mind sharing." Then he asked if I were a vegetarian, and I said yes. The other gentleman made a silly comment about how he would have eaten the bird...men.

Anyhow, I went into St. Francis mode. For the rest of supper, I would periodically take a bit of cornbread and crumble it upon the ground by my feet, where 4 little wrens would gather and delight in the treat.

All the while kept company by Bonaventure's insights on Father Francis, the wrens and I had a delightful time at Heartland Cafe.

I suppose I don't usually tell stories about my day. But what really struck me is how all the people around me were responding to me, and kind of observing me. Maybe I looked a little crazy, but I know I was very joyful and peaceful...I hope maybe they could sense that, and also find a little joy in the petite little young lady who was sharing supper with the tiny wrens.

The most curious thing: today, for the first time in 3 weeks or so, I wore my St. Francis medal...

Right Here Right Now

+JMJ

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I dedicated you, a prophet to the nations I appointed you. “Ah, Lord GOD!” I said, I know not how to speak; I am too young.”

But the LORD answered me, "Say not, “I am too young.” To whomever I send you, you shall go; whatever I command you, you shall speak. Have no fear before them, because I am with you to deliver you, says the LORD."

Then the LORD extended his hand and touched my mouth, saying,

"See, I place my words in your mouth! This day I set you over nations and over kingdoms, To root up and to tear down, to destroy and to demolish, to build and to plant."

+++++++

This whole passage screams NO EXCUSES.

As I try to grow more faithful to my vocation, I am tempted to think-"-Not now Lord, not me. I am not really what you want. Don't you want someone else?"

It is as if Jeremiah screamed on behalf of the Lord today, "NO MORE EXCUSES: I want YOU."

Sometimes, it feels like answering the Lord is being Bi Polar. One day you are totally all about it...the next, your like, "God, I really don't know about this plan of yours, I'll take a rain check." But God is clear. He wants me, just like He wants you. Really, God isn't the stumbling block...I am my own stumbling block.

Recently, a player on the New England Fire soccer team chose to answer God's call to the Priesthood. He said in an interview, "Delayed obedience is disobedience." Wow.

The words from scripture for today really speak to the whole aspect of vocation. God knows us intimately and purely. He has a great plan for our lives, and we must choose whether or not to trust Him.

So often what it boils down to are attachments. I find it is rather easy for me to detach from things, but there are a handful of people that are very difficult for me to detach from. What I have to allow God to teach me is that there is nothing I could do, here on earth, with anyone that I love which could possibly compare with the eternal joy we shall share in Heaven. I totally beleive this in my head, but allowing it to form my heart is an entirely different story.

I suppose the invitation is about being patient with ourselves. Growing closer to God every day, and allowing Him to teach us how to let go in a holy way--not to kill friendships or cut ourselves off entirely, but rather re-order our desires, and sanctify our love...so that we can honestly say "I only desire what is best for you, what will lead you to Heaven, and nothing more." In that surrender, I know I'll find freedom.

Almost another day...

+JMJ

"God is more real than your deepest desire."

Often this comes into my head, when I am uncertain, or sad...a friend of mine said it to me once. I am not sure why he did...it might have been in an email or on the phone. But, regardless--it is very true.

Lately I've been in the midst of great desolation, which St. Ignatius writes clearly about. It is so curious--when we try very very hard to follow God's holy will for us, so many challenges arise. In the past, I've often given up when the challenges came...but this time, I haven't given up. Of course, I won't lie--I have doubted that I am following the right path. Yet, even in the midst of the struggle and pain, I keep walking the toward the goal.

I learned something important this week. The enemy of our hearts, Satan, wants nothing more than the opposite of what is good, true and beautiful. I'd been glum and generally not pleasant to be with on and off for several weeks...I'd try hard to get over my sadness, but really felt like it was impossible. Well, something vary unsettling set me on a mission to figure out what was really going on yesterday. I called a dear priest friend of mine, and he gave such holy advice.

He said, in the midst of spiritual battle, we must pray prayers of deliverance. So, for example, if you are plagued by sadness, your deliverance prayer may be something like this:

"Heavenly Father, in the name of Jesus, I bind this spirit of sadness...dear Father, I beg, through your power, that this spirit of sadness be cast from me, and sent to you, sent to the foot of the Cross. I pray for an outpouring of the Holy Spirit, that I may be filled with joy, and embrace perfectly your plan for me, which is the true path to Heaven."

Essentially, we ask that the bad spirit be bound, in the name of Jesus, and that the spirit be sent to the Lord, to deal with, to the Foot of the Cross. Then, we ask for an outpouring of the grace that opposes the desolation. If sadness, joy...if doubt, faith...if fear, courage.

How prudent we must be! I've reflected here before on the Spiritual Battle. I think some Christians would rather not think about such things. But really, they must be confronted. The enemy of our hearts wants nothing more than for us to keep secret the temptations or trails we are facing...he does not want his evil works to be named. They must be named...confronted, not alone, but always with Christ.

Imagine, God is closer to us than we are to ourselves. He loves us so much, and wants the best for us. Challenges arise, and they are to make us stronger. God is even more real than the deepest sadness we might experience. May we draw ever nearer to Him, both in times of sadness as in times of joy.

Clearly Now

+JMJ

Alright...so I was in Adoration today. God and I definitely were not argueing, but I was asking Him some really challenging questions. As I sat there on the floor looking up at Jesus in the Eucharist, Johnny Nash's "I Can See Clearly Now" came into my head. I was complled to listen as verse one played in my mind.

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
It's gonna be a bright, bright, bright Sun-Shiny day

Wow. It was if God was screaming--don't depend on you, depend on ME. I am the source of HOPE.

If we are truly following Christ, there are no clouds. We may naturally doubt, but maybe something more healthy is to question.

Question our choices, in light of Faith.
Question our desires, in light of Hope.
Question our goals, in light of Love.

I suppose sometimes that advice "Work as if everything depended on you, pray as if everything depended on God" gets truncated to "Work as if everything depende on you," forgetting that vital surrender to the Hope that is a Person, Jesus Christ.

We don't have all the answers...and we aren't supposed to, that is God's job. We can't make our lives into a holcaust of love, but we can allow God to make our lives a holcaust of love. The means to achive joy cannot become demi-gods that distract us from JOY.

The only way to reach the joy is to let go of it all...and know that in the surrender, you'll find the answer.

Look all around...there's nothin' but blus skies.
Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies!

In Memory of Maria

"The unmarried man is busy with the Lord's affairs, concerned with pleasing the Lord. The virgin--indeed, any unmarried woman--is concerned with things of the Lord, in pursuit of holiness in body and spirit." ~ 1 Corinthians 7:32b, 34a

Today we traditionally remember St. Maria Goretti, who choosing death rather than consent to sexual assault. It is funny, once someone even commented that Maria wouldn't have been guilty even of the sin committed against her, and yet, she was so close to the Lord, and so committed to purity, she could not even think to let her murderer, Alessandro, commit a sin using her.

Although the Sunday readings trump those for the feast of dear Maria, I did pray much of the Liturgy of the Hours in honor of her today. I was struck by this particular reading from Paul (above) that went with one of the hours.

Of course, we all remember the passage, "The virgin concerns herself with the things of the Lord." But I hadn't recalled the clause about pursuit of holiness in body and spirit. But, doesn't that make sense?

Papa John Paul was all about the universal call to holiness--that, no matter what our state in life, the Christian Vocation is a vocation to holiness. I'll be the last to underplay Papa John Paul's ability to encourage and inspire. But, I'd be dishonest if I didn't plainly say just how challenging this call to holiness is...and there are particular trials for those of us who have not yet fully chosen our life's vocation.

I was able to write my undergraduate thesis in part arguing that the ideal state in which to discern one's vocation is the virginal state. I really do beleive that this holds true for both men and women, particularly because of what this passage from St. Paul talks about.

Remaining unmarried--whether by choosing priesthood, religious life or the single state in the world--is a permanent vocation. Yet, something not often considered is the concept of "temporary singleness."

I believe that in order to truly and honestly discern where one is called in life, one must have a period of temporary singleness, and truly dedicate one's mind to the things of the Lord. In that commitment, one is sure to find one's vocation. It should be a time of growth in prayer...a time to truly let God speak in the stillness.

Why is virginity important? Not only because we hold intimate expressions of sexual relations for the vocation of marriage, but even more so, because sinning against our own body or that of another in a sexual way clouds one's vision.

I do not propose that those who've had sexual sin in their past are unable to discern their vocation. Nor are those who've been sinned against to blame. But, there is something sacred about virginity that all persons, at least for a period in their lives, are truly called to--because let's face it, nobody is born married!

I think this is something dear Maria can teach us. She was a prayerful, simple, beautiful young woman who truly hoped to be married one day. But, that gift of married, sexual love was so sacred to her, she could not even consider participating, even by force, in a sin against it. Because of her courage, she is now remembered as a virgin martyr. An even more challenging aspect of her witness: on her death bed she forgave Alessandro, and asked Jesus that me might be right beside her in Heaven.

Through the merits of dear St. Maria, may we have the courage to embrace purity of heart and mind, no matter our vocation, and truly value the gift of virginity that we are all born with...and which all of us are asked to embrace as a powerful help in discerning where our vocation lies. This valuing of virginity will surely contribute to strong and healthy marriages and vocations to celibate life.

Begging Before the Crucifix

Most high, glorious God, cast your light into the darkness of my heart.
Give me, Lord, right faith, firm hope, perfect charity and profound humility,
With wisdom and perception, so that I may carry out what is truly your holy will. Amen.

~ St. Francis' Prayer before the Crucifix

When I read St. Francis' prayer, I was really taken aback. Not that I though Francis lived some sort of otherworldly human state, but I didn't expect to hear him talk of "darkness of my heart."

As I reflect on it though, it becomes more and more perfect to me: Francis knew exactly what he needed. He recognized that, through his own efforts, he could never be completely conformed to Christ. Yet, with divine light, that conformation could be consummated.

He mentions all the virtues so needed for conforming oneself to Christ: faith, hope, charity, humility...and then asks for wisdom and perception.

I really like "perception." Never before had I heard a saint talk about this...but what a key gift?! It is a fare assessment that the majority of pop culture and poor choices in the world are built up upon false perception.

One of the worst trends in our culture today is based upon false perception. Studies indicate that the majority of college students participate in the hookup culture because they perceive that their peers enjoy and want to engage in such a lifestyle. In reality, the majority of students do not like the hookup culture, but rather assume it is what they have to do based on the false perception that hooking up is what people want. How sad! We have a whole generation making unsatisfying, spirit-killing decisions about sexuality because they think that is what the majority wants...and the majority doesn't even want it!

Seems to me St. Francis has a profound insight. If only we could ask that divine light be shed in our hearts, and upon reality, so that we'd have the wisdom and perception needed to discern truth from lies! So many people would be saved so much heart ache...